


Bad Habit

by cana_merula



Series: Sing To Me Instead [works inspired by songs by Ben Platt] [4]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, I feel like I write to many love confessions for those two, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Love Confessions, M/M, all the feels, it's very brief, no beta we die like Ligur, six thousand years of build up feelings, some internalized bullying, the break up scene, you know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:55:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29439342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cana_merula/pseuds/cana_merula
Summary: Crowley always said that they were friends, even when Aziraphale wasn’t ready to admit it. He is an angel; he should not care that much about a demon. They are on opposite sides. It is a weakness and he is already weak in comparison to the other angels. So he hides his feelings, not only from Heaven but also from Crowley. If nobody but him knows about it, nobody can hurt him.What he didn’t expected was how much it would still hurt.What he didn’t expected was that he would be the one to hurt himself.[Can be read alone.]
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Series: Sing To Me Instead [works inspired by songs by Ben Platt] [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1726789
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Bad Habit

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody!  
> Like the other works in this series this fic is inspired by a song from Ben Platt's album "Sing To Me Instead". The title also comes from the song, so if you want to, you can listen to "Bad habit" while reading this. The works in this series are stand-alones, you don't need to read any of the other parts.  
> English is not my first language, so if there are any errors, please tell me.  
> And now: Have fun reading!

Crowley always said that they were friends, even when Aziraphale wasn’t ready to admit it. He said that everybody needs a friend, someone who knows your true self, who understands you, who helps you, who you can trust. He didn’t want to admit that Crowley was all that for him. He is an angel; he should not care that much about a demon. They are on opposite sides. It is a weakness and he is already weak in comparison to the other angels. So he hides his feelings, not only from Heaven but also from Crowley. If nobody but him knows about it, nobody can hurt him.  
What he didn’t expected was how much it would still hurt. What he didn’t expected was that he would be the one to hurt himself.

He meets Crowley in the park, beneath the pavilion, and they speak about the Antichrist and the Great Plan. They talk about Sides and killing kids and they both get quite angry because they do not want to kill anybody, especially a child. Crowley asks him to go away with him, but Aziraphale knows that is not an option. How would Heaven and Hell react to that? They would kill them both. So he says that they are not friends, even though it breaks his heart. He tries to get Crowley to understand that they can’t do this, because they are an Angel and a Demon. He says it’s over and he can see the hurt in Crowley’s eyes even behind his sunglasses and it hurts more than anything ever did before.  
Crowley turns around and then he is leaving and Aziraphale knows that there is nothing he can do to make him stay. He doesn’t know how long he stands there alone, on the verge of crying.  
Crowley always said they were friends, but they weren’t anymore. He regrets it immediately, but there is no way to take it back.

~•~

The Bentley speeds around the corner and the demon gets out of the car. He apologizes and for a moment Aziraphale is ready to do whatever Crowley asks of him. But then he talks about leaving again. However tempting it is, Aziraphale knows that it’s the one thing he can’t do right now, no matter how much he cares for the demon. The humans don’t deserve their world ending like this. If he can just talk to Heaven, maybe even talk to God… There has to be another way. Then everything can go back to normal, they can both stay on earth and he can figure out a way to win Crowley’s trust back, even if it takes him another six thousand years. He would spent an eternity proofing he was worth Crowley’s friendship, if he needed to.  
He tells Crowley that he forgives him, because he needs him to know that he accepts his apology, though he feels like he doesn’t deserve it. Aziraphale is the one that should be apologizing. And he tells Crowley that their last conversation doesn’t matter anymore. But the demon doesn’t really seem to understand. He says that he is leaving and that he will not even think about Aziraphale when he is gone. The angel didn’t think anything could hurt more than the last time Crowley left him, but this time is worse.

The human passing by says he is better off without him, but he knows that is not true.  
Without Crowley there is nobody to help him when his low self-esteem is pulling him down. There are voices in his head that tell him how he does everything wrong. He is a bad angel, from giving away his flaming sword in the garden until the present day. The demon always helped him talking trough his problems until he could convince himself that he doesn’t do everything wrong. He also does little things for Aziraphale that show how he does care about him. It helps him feel worthy of friendship and love. He doesn’t expect Crowley to love him, but he is very thankful for the companionship and support.  
He knows it’s wrong for him as an angel to fall in love with a demon, but he there is nothing he can do against it. He hates to say it, but he loves Crowley. He needs him at his side, and he wants him, too. It’s a bad habit, but he can’t help himself. He needs Crowley so much right now and it’s only been a few hours since he saw him. The feeling will only build up with time. He always comes back to Crowley; he just can’t stay away.  
And what will happen if he asks him for help? Would it really be so bad to tell him the truth, to tell him where the Antichrist is? Heaven is not really helping him at the moment. Deep inside he is sure that they have their own agenda. He doesn’t belong there anymore. He never truly fitted in. But in the past he learned that he can trust Crowley. He was someone he could lean on. If he just calls him, tells him everything he knows, then they can work something out together.  
Wasn’t that what Crowley always wanted, to work it out together?  
Aziraphale breathes in and out a few times to calm himself and then tries out what he wants to say the demon. He rehearses the phone call until his voice is steady and then dials the only number he ever remembered. The call goes to answerphone. He curses and then immediately blesses.

Then a lot of things happen in a short amount of time. 

~•~

After it’s all over, they find themselves sitting on a bench in Tadfield together. Aziraphale shows Crowley the piece of paper out of Agnes Nutters book that fell into his hands. They discuss the prophecy and they discuss the Almighty’s plan. They drink wine and give the insignias of the horsepeople back to the International Express delivery guy. The bus is coming, and Crowley reminds Aziraphale that the bookshop burned down and offers him to stay at his place. He looks soft behind his sunglasses, his whole body open, arm invitingly draped over the bench as if he wants to show that he will provide comfort if Aziraphale needs it. It’s kind and nice and he knows Crowley doesn’t like four-letter-words, but that’s the only way to describe it. And there is also a four letter word to describe what he feels for the demon in this moment, but he is still not sure how he would react, so he doesn’t say what he wants to say. Instead, his mouth betrays him and he says “I don’t think my side would like that“, hoping that Crowley would repeat the thing about them having their own side and therefore confirm that they are still friends. Crowley looks sad for a moment, but then he does just what Aziraphale hoped he would do.  
“You don’t have a side anymore. Neither of us do. We are on our own side. Like Agnes said, we are going to have to choose our faces wisely.“  
And it feels amazing. They go on the bus and it takes them straight to Crowley’s flat.

They plan what to do about Agnes last prophecy and Aziraphale feels good about it. Now that they are finally putting their resources and ideas together, with no secrets between them and so shortly after the Armageddon't, he feels confident that they can pull it off. They have one big advantage: They lived on earth for six thousand years and in that time, they learned a lot from the humans, most importantly in this instance creativity. He is still nervous, but he thinks if they can do this, they can do anything together. If they can do this, he can be brave and tell Crowley what he really feels. He smiles thinking about the reaction he is hoping to get from him. He knows that Crowley cares for him, that they are friends. After everything they have been through, he hopes that will not change because of his feelings. Even if he wanted to hide it, he wouldn’t be able to do so much longer, now that there was no side he could hide behind. Crowley said they are on their own side and he has to believe that’s a sign that his love isn’t fully unwanted.

So he decides not to worry about it anymore and just be brave* for once in his life. He looks at Crowley and waits until he notices him. When he does, he focuses entirely at Aziraphale and he smiles. The angel swallows nervously and slowly starts to speak.  
“You always said that I'd come back to you again, 'cause everybody needs a friend and it’s true. For a long time, I did not want to believe that to be true. Because I didn’t want to need someone. That is a weakness you are not allowed in Heaven. But there is no way to deny that you are my friend, now. You are important to me. You are the one person I can always count on, the one person that can fully understand me, the one person that knows how and when to distract me and how and when to bring order into my life. The one person to quiet the voices in my head, to calm my doubts and negative thoughts, and make them sing to me instead. With you everything is easier. And it was hard for me to admit that to myself and it took me almost six thousand years and for the longest time I hated to say it, even to myself. Hated to say that I love you. Hated to say that I need you. Hated to say that I want you. But I do.  
And I know it’s a bad habit for an angel, but I do need you, right now and in my life in general. So I have to ask you: Can you help me out? Can I lean on you? Will you be there for me, on those days where the sun doesn’t come out, even though you don’t feel the same? Will you still be my friend?“

*If you ask Crowley, Aziraphale has been brave as long as he knows him. Giving away a weapon that was assigned to you and then lying to God herself about it was very brave after all.

Crowley is looking at him with utter disbelief clear on his face. His eyes are wide, the sunglasses long discarded on the table.  
“Is that really how you feel about me?“  
His voice is soft.  
“Yes.“, Aziraphale answers honestly and then carries on without any time for the demon to get a word in.  
“I know you don’t feel the same, and that’s okay. Who would ever fall in love with such a sorry excuse for an angel as I am? I'm too chubby, I’m not a solider and I'm not even really nice. I don’t do everything they ask of me, I lie to them, I'm not a good angel and I’m not a good friend. I'm so sorry for what I said to you before, about us not being friends.“  
Crowley steps closer and grabs his hands. There is a small smile on his face.  
“Please calm down, Angel. Of course I’m still your friend, there is nothing you could do to change that. And of course I'm in love with you, how could I not fall in love with you. You are amazing! I like your corporation exactly as it is; I don’t like soldiers and if you wouldn’t be a little bit of a bastard, I don’t think we would get along. Do you want to know, how you make me feel? You make me feel like I'm floating off the ground, high above London, like I'm flying.“  
Now Aziraphale is the one who looks disbelieving, so Crowley takes another step closer to him and wraps his arms around the angel. His smile widens as he looks at Aziraphale and there are tears floating in both of their eyes. He shakes his head and chuckles softly.  
“Look at me smile with tears in my eyes. I love all the things you just mentioned about yourself. I love that you have your own opinions and that you challenge what Heaven tells you. That’s the only reason why we were able to prevent the Apocalypse. I even love the way you lie, I do. I Hate to say that I'm lonely without you, because that isn’t really cool. I Hate to say that I missed you. Hate to say that’s it's dark in my mind without you, but it’s true.  
If it’s a bad habit for you as an angel to fall in love with me, then that’s also true for me. I need you as well, right now and in my life in general. I can ask you all the same questions: Can you help me out? Can I lean on you? Because we are on our own side and there is nobody else that will help us out. I need you as my friend and I can’t have you denying our relationship again when we have our next argument. You say you love me, but what if you change your mind, if your feelings change. I don’t know what I would do, if I have you just to lose you again.“  
The tears are streaming down his cheeks and his breath hitches.  
“Crowley“, Aziraphale sounds pained, and his gaze flickers over the demons face. He closes the last space between them and wipes his tears away.  
“It was a mistake not to tell you how much I care for you. It’s a mistake I will never make again. I love you and that will not change. Ever. As long as you want me, I will be yours. Eternity wouldn’t be so bad with you. I will prove that to you every day for the rest of our days, if I need to.”  
„You could prove it right now.“  
„How?“  
„Kiss me.“

And he does.

They change bodies and they let themselves be “punished” by Heaven and Hell and they defy them again. This is the very first day of the rest of their lives. Aziraphale proves his love to Crowley every day. Maybe it’s a bad habit as an angel and a demon to kiss every morning, but it’s not one they plan to break.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you liked it, maybe check out the other works in this series. :)


End file.
